Monday, March 29, 2010

Ruminations on Foolishness

Well, after my whole first blog post (that I was kinda proud of, in many respects), I hate to report that, three months into the new year, I've already failed my resolution. I have (seemingly) refused to change, the very things that I wanted desperately to vanquish from my mindset and behavior have not been stopped at all. My New Year's resolution has, so far, been a complete failure.

Failure, I guess that is the point of this whole blog. Did I really fail? Was I being foolish in my expectations? Or was I being a fool in thinking that I could change at all?

I am undecided in this matter.

When I wrote that (at 1 a.m.) I was determined to live up to it. I believed what I was writing and, more importantly, I wholeheartedly believed that I could live up to my promise. It seemed that I would wake up after sleeping through the night (or, rather, morning and early afternoon) and be a completely different person.

Perhaps, that was the foolishness of my thinking.

I want certain things to change, things that I've believed would be solved quickly and with time, if I just left it alone. When that failed (for far too long), I decided to force the change upon myself. That was the revelation that led to my prior post. I believed that this change was well overdue and that I deserved it. And I still believe that, goddammit! Why don't I deserve this? Aren't I good enough?

Anyway, I digress.

I believed that 24 hours was sufficient time to change something that has been a part of my life for over 2 years, at this point. What the hell was I thinking?

Can change really happen that quickly? Can change from something that clearly affected my life so profoundly? I believe that a big event can change someone overnight, but that takes something on a much grander scale than metaphorically turning on a light.

So far, I've only found myself making the same decisions that I always have, but for slightly different reasons. It may still be rooted in the same reason, but I also have a different excuse for my reasoning, as well. But, if I'm truly just making excuses, maybe I'm worse off that I was before.

Lately, however, I've found myself making a few steps in the right direction. I don't know what'll come of it, but that is something only time will tell.

I suppose, all said and done, the year is still rather young. Time exists for me to be a new man by the end of the year, but this is something that I can't really procrastinate in doing, now can I?

Or, perhaps I'm wrong, and I was simply a fool for thinking that I could force this upon myself.

Either way, I've only truly succeeded in fooling myself.

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